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  • Carly Lankford

Healing During The Pandemic

I decided to share this article again as I embark on my healing journey again. In hopes that I get it right this time, so that I don't have to repeat the process. When parenting and even carrying children we must be fully aware of our mental state, so that we do not transfer that energy over to our children. I come from a dark womb and everyday I have to choose light, even if it is moonlight. The struggle is very hard. I once had a dark womb and carried a child in that womb. Everyday I choose to enlighten him with encouraging words and unconditional love. The journey never ends and this is the case for so many children, especially during this pandemic. Those children, even the ones locked inside of adults are in my thoughts. Parents please be aware of the scars you may cause and seek resources to help. The world needs a better you and we need those children to grow up and know they were loved! ~ Peace


My abandonment story began for me at the young age of four

years old. In 1990, I recall an incident of being bullied and

emotionally abused, which required me to go stay with a cousin.

It’s interesting how I can still recall every detail of that very

moment! During the incident, I was told that my stepfather wasn’t

my biological father. I was made to feel unwanted and not

enough.

Some would think, that would do nothing to a four-year-old, but at

that moment I discovered my strength and how to hide my pain.

I was heartbroken.

I felt betrayed (as if I knew what it was at four years old). At that

moment, the moment I should have been protected from, my

insecurities developed.

My anger became aggressive. After the incident, I was shipped

away, for years, to multiple family members.

I couldn’t figure out what I had done wrong. Why wasn’t I enough?

See my mom and stepdad were expecting my little sister. So, at

that point, my little mind felt like I was no longer needed.

I felt that pain for thirty- two years before I sought healing. I

internalized that pain so much and for so long it affected every

decision I made in my life, professionally and personally.

It affected how I viewed myself. The seed was planted and it

grew into an oak tree.

I wanted to prove my worth to everyone, (rather professional or

personal) that rejected me. My life was a nonstop battle, that I

was not enjoying.

Every day I rose to wonder why I was here.

Was it for the baby (who’s the father I wasn’t enough for)?

Was it because God was torturing me?

I later started looking at living and my trials as my karma. As if I

deserved to be mistreated. I looked at everyday like what’s next.

I had become complacent with my abandonment, pain, abuse,

and anger.

I just took it.


I didn’t have standards nor did I hold others accountable for

mistreating me. I would do anything to please those around me

and never cared about pleasing myself.

Well, until my mother and I got into the biggest argument. Some

hurtful things were said, but she said something that hurt so

badly. It was exactly what I needed!

She said, “Yup, you were pawn off and you’re always going to be

pawned off.” It hurt, it pierced the depths of my soul. It also

triggered me to change that.

So, no one could ever feel like they were able to pawn me off or

choose me as an option. That was my mistake, I had allowed for

years others to mistreat me, to choose me as an option based on

their convenience.

I had mistreated myself.

Have you ever made a mistake you wanted to prove your worth

out of, but the world wouldn’t let you? Less your subconscious

wouldn’t?

The mistakes that you thought would make someone stay. The

mistakes that make someone want you.

See, my mistakes were pleasing people, allowing them to treat

me in a way I wasn’t deserving of and mistreating myself.

(Public service announcement, if you have to prove your worth,

they aren’t worthy!)

However, my body and mind still knew the sickness of

abandonment. The world is evil, but I had all this hope that things

will change.

They will love or at least like me. They will see my worth. I had to

find my own way and not lose the little confidence, I did have.

I can’t change who I am, nor should anyone want me to. I had to

move forward, make myself essential, and not be discouraged.

My whole life I was looking for a right now fix, something like a fix

a flat. However, there isn’t a right now fix, the only fix is pushing

forward while being patient with God, the world and myself.


I had to do something I had never done. I had to trust the process.

When I was disobedient began to wander away from the process.

I had to be honest with myself and be who I wanted to be, who I

wanted people to receive because the right now is what

determines what I enter into tomorrow.

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©2020 by Carly Lankford 2020